...This is Tyranny...

Chaotic Control and Cotton Candy

2006-11-15T18:14:00.000-08:00

What is control?

A way of preventing chaos you say...a way to make sure everything runs like its supposed to...a way to ensure that mistakes get corrected immediately and everything runs smooth...its the lubrication, and the process which is lubricated...hmmm....If you had thought any of the above, control probably plays a large influence in your life because whatever you thought is correct. And...now you might be thinking what the hell i am getting at...i promise the patient readers some Cotton Candy at the end. ;)

I assume all of you would have a little background on how a controlled system works...don't worry if you are not an engineer or a scientist or even remotely related to a "still a virgin at 30, never been kissed, my G4 is my best friend" geek. Its not too hard...ok, here we go.

What lends the element of control in a control system? Its the knowledge of how the process works which enables us to make decisions on how to adapt it or control it. There is a very intuitive term to explain this...Feedback. For example, a voltmeter in a circuit in parallel measures the voltage which is to be controlled. A less geekier example...a driver sees the road ahead to follow it.

But there is a problem with this...if a process has enough intelligence to control itself without any external means, then its probably fulfilling its purpose to the fullest extent. Have you ever seen someone hold the steering wheel absolutely still in a straight line? But when something external gets tacked onto it like our Voltmeter, it loses its original fullness. A voltmeter actually introduces a small impedance into the circuit...the process might seem to be more controlled...but its not 100% as envisioned anymore...the actual process which you need to control gives results which are only 99.999999% correct maybe....

Sensors...both the geeky and the non geeky versions...thus introduce disturbances in the system. And how do we handle it? We calibrate. Calibration is essentially fooling ourselves into believing the near perfect process in front of your eyes as the most desirable outcome you could have expected and you manipulate your perceptions to conform to it. Maybe, when the original Harley was made, the engine was soooo noisy and clangy that Mr.Davidson would have been appalled by it...but of course combined with some clever marketing and some associated hypnosis, viola...calibration and history being assembled!!! The Harley does sound good doesn't it... :D Ahem...calibration sets in motion, without us being aware of them, a series of mini imperfections which will soon magnify itself and go out of proportion with us blissfully ignorant of them all. The classic Bush-Iraq screw-up comes to mind...

Now where does chaos come into the picture? Well, once human beings are satisfied they have something under control, we tend to forget about it. Information gets lost with time...and one fine day, no one will bloody know how the world goes around or forget that there is no difference between a Bush and a monkey (apes are too intelligent) and vote the Republicans back into power again...knowledge unfortunately has a definite scope and focus...which is what makes us human and not Boooooooooy genius Dexter sitting in his laboratory where anything can be created out of thin air or a cartoonists imagination... ;) I think DeeDee is too girly...anywaaaaay...

Entropy...i like this word a lot. Once the perfect system is in place, its cool...99.9% conformance. But to arrive at this just about holy grail, one needs to jump across many trenches and crevices with hungry alligators waiting for their aperitifs...one has to lose many good men in the process...one has to make love to the tastelessly fat and insanely ugly daughter of a tribal chief as part of a rather shady voodoo ritual to cleanse the bat-poo aura...just to replace your lost men with them damn damn coolly tattooed natives...and unfortunately for you, no condomats around. Essentially, trial and error and modification and change. Someone should install those damn condomats...we can do without bat-poo in this world...and not to mention fat ugly daughters of cheftians. I blame Robin for this...is he gay by the way? We shall never know until the next Batman movie comes out...

Anyway, the overall sum of initial disturbances is greater than the relative calm of later control. Entropy is the change thats spiraling us downwards...so, my dear civilians, as you see...control...or at least an attempt at it...is better left to the geeks...you go out and live your life. You don't want control to lead you to chaos...it will only delay the inevitable...instead, simply let go.

Chaos is lovely in its flavour...especially when living a dream staring at a Yellow Cotton Candy Tree with fresh green leaves below during a late and lovely autmn evening...

To my readers...

2006-09-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

Make love and not war someone said...and i love my blog too much to create confusion. Thus the decision to split them up. My beloved ...This Is Tyranny... shall go back to what it was originally meant for...

But...the good news is, i am not stopping my imagination running wild and high...

For all the fiction i have written and going to write, http://this-is-not-tyranny.blogspot.com/

For whats going to be my focus for a while, the little fairy tale about the little red book,
http://little-red-riding-book.blogspot.com/

And...a special message to "sweetness and light"...you are probably the only one i can claim to be a regular reader of my fiction, i am sorry that i stopped my writing for a while...but i am on my path back...so, please, if you are reading this, continue to leave you comments.

I couldnt bring myself to remove the fiction i wrote from here...i did not want to lose your comments which make it all worthwhile...so, they shall remain.

So, like that.

Turntables...a Poem...at the spur of the moment.

2006-07-04T04:03:00.000-07:00

life hangs in the balance while i am out there...
lazing about on all fours, smelling the sweet spring air...
beleive i do that the spring in my step lends a little fashion...
to all that has been done and to be done with the same old passion...
dreams are not yet to be undone till the present minute...
but dreams, be they angels from the heavens or some cheap gimmick...
i know not where i am headed, i love you mom and you and you too...
wish me luck in the journey dreaded, to dream or not to leave it through...

its the question which remains by the heart unanswered as the memories unerased....
i survive still and always with a smile unfazed...

Amen.

Sex, lies and videotape...a "not so short" short story...

2006-04-25T03:44:00.000-07:00

14:50 and off went the alarm...
A hand shot out and slapped it into submission. Both of them went back to sleep...the alarm clock and her mistress. The hustle and bustle at the crossroads outside was not exactly helpful to get back to the dream she was having. Oh my god!! Shut up!!

Too late...she had to wait one more sunrise for her prince charming again...she opened her eyes to the harsh afternoon sunlight, a little drizzle...the possibility of a rainbow could have brightened up her mood on other days...the alarm clock was impassive to her scowl at it...infact, it was smiling back at her...it was that time of the day...as it does each day once every 12 hours...

"Look at you...all smiles. You smile half the day and you are sad the other half. But i guess you are ok...you smile at me each day when you wake me up!"

She left the sheets as they were...some of them liked it a little messed up. She had to meet an agent today who was supposedly high profile...shall do quite nicely to build up some contacts high up.

"Martys Video" read the sign.

The doorbell tinkled...

"Hey Marty...hows the scene looking?"

He looked up from a stack of tapes with a felt pen stuck in one ear and a cigarette in another. Marty was an old hand in the neighbourhood...been around for ages...infact, he is the only person sane enough or insane enough, depends on how you don't want to look at it, to see three generations of the residents of the 4th.

"Hello Miranda...good morning to you too! Not bad at all...business is booming...got a coupla scouts this morning already...maybe you should hang around for a while...try your luck. Bella from 5th hit the jackpot...Micheal's people got her."

"Ah...that bitch...she might ger her moment of fame but where are her old customers now eh...she lost all of them! ha!"

Marty, with a barely deceptable shake of the head, went back to his stack...

"Cmon now Miranda...you dont mean that."

"Argh...who am I kidding!! That lucky bitch. But nonetheless, I am supposed to meet Slim today. Heard he got some good openings up at the studio. Not as high profile as Micheal...but its something. Besides, could use the steady money for a change and could use much less unpredictability...you know...its better to go with a script...besides, I always liked the lines we speak before the main course. I would like to be a star...one way or the other!"

Marty's old grey eyes just glanced up at her from his stack...his eyes smiled. He has known Miranda since she was found an orphan not far away from here. She must have been from a good family, the heritage showed...apart from her delicate features and ever-glowing skin, she always kept dreaming of romance, love, education, children and other stuff which her kind, or rather the kind she was adopted into, never dreamed of. They were different...or rather, she was different. Their needs never went beyond the quick buck and a quick bite somewhere along the way in a fancy restaurant...but Miranda was an Alice stuck in a wonderless-land. No wonder he looked out for her...

He chuckled...

"The lines...the lines...the inevitable lines...sigh...Miranda, you know no one gives a horse shit about the lines...C'mon girl. Grow up!"

"Yeah yeah...I know the routine...the works."
She paused for a while as if recollecting something...

"I just wish someone would just sweep me off my feet you know...you know...like a prince of some country...Academia or Anastasia or some exotic sounding place...you know...well...um... Hey!!!!! Stop laughing!!"

"Ah girl...you never learn do ya! When is Slim coming around?"

"Anytime now...he should be"...

Just at that moment, the doorbell tinkled...not Slim...someone else...tall, dusky...he had a heavy leather biker jacket on...no helmet though. Clearly not a biker...but there was something rugged about him. But he was also...clean. Yes, clean. Rugged but clean. Quite intriguing...His jeans were immaculate with hints of wear at the fringes...he wore a clean white shirt with the top two buttons undone. Clearly defined jaw...with smiling blue eyes...he had that small crinkle of amusement at the corner of his lips...

She felt herself catching her breath...but let it out the next moment...he is obviously in the wrong place. He should be heading up Maple Street...thats where these uptown people go. She saw Marty with his almost boring but quizzical glance...

"Yes sir...what can I do for ya?"

"I am looking for some girls!"

Miranda thought...Oh my...he is totally not used to this is he? He might look smooth, but he aint smoother than an alligators back this fella...she giggled. Marty shushed her up with just a piercing glare.

"Well sir...I am sorry. Do you have the right address? This is a video store...as you can see, we don't have any girls here except this lassie here...she is my niece! May I look at the address again?"

"Um...errr...ok. Here you go!"

The note had all the keywords. It must be from one of the usual guys uptown...this guy must be ok. But was he out of place. He better get him out of here before he gets caught by the papparazi or something! But he did not have any of the girls from the 4th right now at hand...he started walking towards the phone...

"Hey Marty...can I have a look at that address...maybe you can save a call if I know the place!"

She looked almost like a girl wanting to run off and play with the swing now that her homework was done. He liked Miranda a lot...ah...what the hell...if she really wants to be with this guy inspite of Slim coming down any moment, what the hell! She doesn't get this excited normally...

"Sure sweetie. Take a look. Well, Sir, I am an old man now...my niece here knows this place better than I know the back of my hand...its her legs I say. So, lithe and active. They will cover half the block before I could cover half the corridor here! Hehe..."

He looked at her legs at that moment...he might be a stranger in these parts, but he was not dumb. He caught on fast...he started replying to Marty just a moment before he tore his eyes away from them.

"I wonder if your niece will be so kind to direct me to the address!"

She only had to nod to Marty. He mumbled his approval and off they went. He had a car waiting...she was expecting one of those pickup trucks with the superchargers sticking out of the front. But a Ford Taurus! This guy was something of a different kind...

They got in...buckled up. He engaged the gear and off they rolled...

"So, mister...."

"Mr.Monterry...call me Monty"

He must be quite daft to blurt out his name at first...but looked like he was not lying...

"Errr...ok. Monty, you have to take a left at the next cut and a coupla blocks up and another right should get you close to the place. We have to walk the last coupla alleys."

He obeyed the instructions...they got off and he followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and turned around. There he was...quite not entirely comfortable. But so so cute! She smiled...subtle and fleeting...and picked up a bottle of wine and some glasses. Not a word was spoken...beyond a point, there is no real need for words...the rate was fixed by the agent uptown and everything was explained. So, there is no real need to speak to the girl...saves the trouble and the uncomfortable moment...particularly for the especially shy...which apparently he was.

"I am from uptown. I work at this law firm!"

Wow...This guy is bonkers...She thought. But she couldn't help but smile. Here is someone who finally seemed not to concentrate all his energy on her body...this guy actually lets himself be distracted by telling her what he does!! Hellllllllooo...time out!!

"Um...really?!? What do you do there? Do you fight crime and stand up for justice?"

"Well...I am actually a civil lawyer. But I fight crime under the cover of darkness...you will see the mayor flashing my light-call sometimes. But most of the time, the damn lights are fused...so, I have this cute little red telephone with a direct connection to his office. Its quite handy actually!"

They burst out laughing...

"Ah...my hero. Wasn't it you who saved me the other day from this gang of ruffians when I was returning from the movies? You had your mask on...and your rubber suit!! Before I could show you my gratitude with a kiss, you swished away..."

"Ah...that can be mended now...never too late for accepting thanks from grateful damsels in past distress..."

He took a sip of wine...all the time looking into her watery eyes. He suddenly seemed so full of confidence and power that she was awestruck all of a sudden...he got up, walked to her side and kissed her. His power flowed into her...she felt herself rising up to meet his lips...but he pulled away after a few seconds. He looked extremely sad at something...went back to his seat. Gulped down the wine in one go.

"I just had a very painful divorce. After 8 years of marriage..."

She was caught unawares...of all the things she couldn't have expected, this was the last in that long long line. She felt herself stretching out and taking his hands in her own...in a silent show of support. They talked for hours after that about how broken he was...how deep went the hurt...how the scars still hurt. She also told him about her thoughts of freedom to do what she wants, about the romance she so wants, how she is not doing this because she was forced to but was brought up into this...she did not have a choice and it hurt sometimes.

They consoled each other, all the while holding hands...she felt butterflies in her stomach...her skin tingled at each shift of pressure of his hands on hers...she was losing herself...slowly but surely. Usually, she is the one in control...guiding the entire show...but this became something else...two people who so apparently gelled...connecting at another level...was she falling in love? She did not know...she had never been in love...not after seeing the amount of guys she had in the ways she did.

Abruptly, he stopped talking...a few moments of desperate silence...

"You see...I came here because I just wanted a wild night to let it out. The pressure is unbearable at times...I cant stay at that house for long anymore...thought I can find something quick and meaningless here...but...you are not what I expected. You are a woman!"

She did not know what to say...she was floating in heaven...she felt herself getting wet between the legs. She got up and led him by the arms into the bedroom...

"Make yourself comfortable. I will be back in a while..."

She went into the closet and slipped into something she usually reserved for her best customers. Perfume, a little makeup, some sexy fishnet stockings...oh my o my...she is seriously dressing up for this guy...she had no idea what these feelings were that she felt. She spent a good amount of time getting ready...normally, she wanted it to get over with as quick as possible...this was the first time she actually smiled into the mirror while she checked her makeup...

Out she came...not completely...slipped a leg out at first...and called out to him to take notice. She heard him shuffling about as if in a hurry to get somewhere real quick...poor guy...she knew her legs were the best part of her. He is getting quite a treat alright. Still he was shuffling about...haha...poor Mr.Monterry...hope she does not scare him away. She heard him stumble over something and jump onto bed...

She slipped out into the room...he was on the bed now...on top of the already crumpled sheets...and to her surprise, fully clothed! He just managed to remove his heavy jacket all this while...

"Wow...you...you are the most beautiful woman I have seen...I think...I think...ah damn it...I probably shouldn't be saying this...but...I...I never felt this happy to talk to someone about something so close to my heart before..."

She simply walked over to him...sat by him...gently laid him on his back and swung her leg over him and placed her hands on his chest all in one sexy practiced movement.

"What are you saying Mr.Lawyer?"

"I...I think...I am falling in love with you!"

All her mixed confused thoughts now fell in place...she never felt so elated as she did at that moment. She wondered how she must be looking now...the look on the face of a woman who was loved by a man...and who loved him in return. He was so gentle...so sweet...so considerate...he loved like no one else...he loved like a feather loved the spring breeze flowing across the fields at sunset. He satisfied her atleast thrice before he let himself. All the while, she felt herself fall deeper in love with this strange man...she looked deep into his eyes as they were laying on their sides with their legs intertwined like pigtails...

"I love you too!"

He simply smiled and kissed her eyes. And they made love again...and again...and again...

She never went to slept before midnight nor had she slept so peacefully. And for the first time, she had a dreamless sleep...dreams are for those people who dream of something better...her prince charming was right next to her...she dozed off with her arm around his slowly heaving chest...all snuggled into him and slept like never before.

11:00...she opened her eyes...the sunlight did not yet hit her face...but somehow she heard the birds singing today instead of the traffic outside. She turned around to look at him. But just his pillow to greet her...now she was fully awake. Where can he be? Maybe in the toilet...she checked there and everywhere. His jacket was gone...his clothes...his car. No note...no number...he left nothing behind. What could this mean? Did he let himself lose control and get worked up later on? Did he have an emergency in the morning and had to go? Will he come back in the evening?? Will he...?? But something did not seem right...

She dressed up hurriedly and went over to the only person should could...

"Martys Video" read the sign...again...

"Hey Marty...did the agent from uptown come here for the payoff?"

He was smoking his cigarette now...he looked at her through the fog...

"Hey Miranda...good morning to you too! Heavy night last night?"

"Marty...cut the crap. What about the payment?"

He looked at her queerly for a while...she has never been so impatient about the money as the other girls...he smelled yesterdays rat...

"Here it is...came through the usual route! You got double the usual...wonder why though..."

"Marty...who gave this to you? Do you know the agent?"

"Hmmm...it came through delivery....like always. You know I don't see the agents making the payments themselves...you know that!! Miranda...whats wrong? Tell me now..."

"Well...Marty...its like this. The guy...of yesterday...he was...well...erm..."

"No no no Miranda. You know the rules!"

"I am sorry Marty...he was so different...I...I am sorry. Can you help me find him? I am lost now...i am desperate...i dont know how i am feeling what i am feeling...i...please...please help me find him...i beg you..."

A tear trickled...

He considered her...her shivering hands...her teary eyes...her bedraggled look...he felt a little pity for her...he thought about her request for a while. Normally, those who break the rules get no sympathy...in this world of early birds, in the end, everyone forgets about the nectar and goes after the worms...but she was his Sweetie.

"Hmmm....ok...I will try. I will pull some strings if I can find some...don't get your hopes up though..."

"Thanks Marty...I don't know what to say..."

"Just get yourself a bite to eat...you look horrible! By the way, about Slim...I handled it and your lucky ass still got a chance with him today. You can thank me later for that!"

"No..."

"Eh what...? What do you mean No?"

She looked at the old man...he was almost like Mount Rushmore...giving the impression of old age as only mountains can but also somehow with all the wisdom of all the men on it...surely he will understand.

"Well...I don't feel like working tonight...or anynight. I want to find this guy from yesterday and talk to him first!"

"Miranda...honey...this could take weeks...what will you do for the money?"

"I...I don't know...I guess I can borrow some...but I hate doing that. I don't know..."

"Hmmm...this is not taking a healthy turn of events now...ok, as you wish! You are not a girl anymore for me to advise!"

She smiled and hugged the old timer...and made off to her room.

The days went by...she managed initially without much food for thought on this...but the money was not too good. She did not have much savings...she was young and never really bothered about the savings unlike her aunts...she couldn't bring herself to borrow much more than required to scrape together a meager existence...

The days turned into weeks...and the weeks felt like years to her. She lost weight...however impossible that seemed...she just lay in her bed all day...remembering those moments of sheer joy...the pleasure...the joy. Sometimes, she went out into town...sneaked around in the bus ticketless...she was almost caught once though...all the time looking for him. She went all around the uptown region. Damn Ford Taurus...they were too common to really distinguish from one another...besides, she did not have the registration number memorized. A needle in a wide wide teeming haystack...her only hope was Marty. He was not doing any better than her though...

She grew forlorn...she sunk into depression...she started drinking a lot with borrowed money...her debt skyrocketted with the drinking now...she hardly met any people now except Marty to hear him say the same thing again and again...she was losing her will to live.

All the while she kept hearing his words again and again...she kept imagining how she would have looked when he told her that he loved her...she was breaking down before her own eyes...this cannot possibly go on for any longer...

One cold November morning...
"Martys Video" read the sign...as always...

Bella of the 5th was there. She rarely visits Marty unless she had some movie of hers she wants to gloat over. Miranda walked in as usual...

"Marty...anything new abou....oh...Bella!"

"Yeah...Miranda. As you can see, I am doing fine. But look at you dahling...whats down with you?

"Bella...take the tape and get lost. I have something to discuss with Marty!"

"Ooooh...Miss goody two shoes...always the nice one. Always the pretty one. You were not looking too pretty in your last movie dear. What a horrible production!! Only one camera...oh my gawd!! You would think it was almost a home video!!!"

"No it wasnt...it was one from one of the russian guys...hell, you did some with them yourself..."

"Miranda...dont try to fool me now! I know what i saw...and it was at your appartment...you cant deny that!"

Miranda whipped about as if tugged by an invisible rope...she just stared at a spot somewhere between Bella's shifting eyes for what seemed like an eternity....

"What did you say? My place...my apartment? My movie. Where is...but how...is it here?"

"Of course...hey Marty...check for "Lovers In Love" in the Hardcore section willya!?!"

Marty, just through with a cigarette, was calm...he had seen way too much to react to Bella's taunts...but he was curious to know what this was about...and sure enough, there it was. He freed the tape from its place and swung it over to the VCD player...the cover had nothing about Miranda on it...the tape rolled.

A slutty mistress came on and started story telling about how love never pays...and about girls being good and about how evil deeds go unnoticed when its what is true to the art of sex. And the scene shifts to a room...

Miranda almost shrieked out...it was her room. And Mr.Monterry was on her bed...smiling his innocent but confident smile. Arms folded across his chest...looking somewhere to his left...and sure enough, there she was. She was lookin amazing...she never realized how good she can look in a non slutty but sexy way...a good girl...a nice girl...the ones who the mistress was talking about...oh my god!!!

She saw it all...all the whispering...his speech about love...his love making...her reactions. She saw herself...herself in love. Finally, she heard herself saying out loud "I love you too!". Miranda was for a moment thrown back into her room back on that fateful day...now it all came back to her...the shuffling sound she heard all the while she was in the closet changing...how his jacket seemed extremely heavy for that kind of weather...how he insisted on only certain positions...how he never wanted to leave the bed...how she got double the payment the next day...it all made horrible twisted sense now.

Bella was smirking now...glowing over her superior production studio, her more famous co-stars, the set, the story, the variety in her movie. Miranda was still...quiet...did not utter even a single word since the tape started rolling. Bella left the store with her head held high...she had a customer to attend to who requested her after watching one of her movies. A fan so to speak...and this was as good as giving her fans her autograph...well...not entirely.

Marty was quiet too all the while...he looked at Miranda at the end of it all. She looked at him...her lips quivering...she tried to speak...she couldn't. He spread his arms out in a quiet invitation. She accepted. They hugged...been quite some time since he hugged anyone...but this moment so deserved it. A few minutes of silence passed...he stole another look at her now. No tears from her eyes...no sign of shock after her initial reaction...infact, she looked eerily calm...

"Miranda...can you hear me? Are you ok? Talk to me girl..."

She pulled away...made towards the door...opened it...stood there for a while with her back to him...after what seemed like an eternity, she turned around. He was surprised to look at her...she was smiling. Her eyes were laughing again...not the fake smile that he knew quite well to detect...but very genuine, from the heart...then her voice flowed all over the video store...she was laughing out loud. It was too much to take for good old Marty...

"Miranda...what...what...how?.."

"Marty...its ok. Its nothing...it was nothing...it meant nothing...call Slim and see if he is still interested. Oh please do show him that video willya! I am a star!!! Finally...my time has come!! Don't you worry Marty...stardom awaits!! That Bella better watch out...she wont know what hit her!! Seeya around then...btw, got some jobs for the night? Of course you do...I will be around by seven ok. Gotta set my room straight...been a while since I did that...you know how finicky some customers get...till later then...adios!"

Marty...momentarily stunned...standing there in the smoke...swaying about on the spot for a while...digesting what happened just now. He sauntered behind his counter...fished out another cigarette as if by magic from his ear...fumbled for some matches at the back...found some...lit one...but did not light his cigarette immediately. His other hand went down into his pocket...a piece of paper...he lit its edge on fire...put out the match. He watched it burn for a while...watched the words scrawled on it glow for a moment in a final struggle to stay alive. He lit his cigarette with the flames fuelled by the words...an address infact...

"Well...Mr.Monterry, you lucky son of a bitch...that was quite close wasnt it!?! Consider that the closest shave you ever had..."

Free falling...a short story...

2006-03-19T02:41:00.000-08:00

The Manhattan skyline...what's in a bunch of straight lines drawn across the horizon with nothing but speckled darkness upon it and a dimming glow behind which makes it so romantic!?! As so many people who has been to that spot which could afford that wonderful view, he did not realize its beauty until in retrospect...

"Go with the flow." "Be the man." "Don't be scared. Its all about going with the flow..."
Such words of wisdom...words of such wonderful wisdom...coming from the masters of the art themselves. He went with the flow alright...and guess what...it worked just fine. She too apparently had similar instructions from her own school of love...ooohhhh...what wonderful mentors. That was their first date...their first kiss...with the Manhattan skyline outlining the scene...picture perfect. Pity...they don't have a picture of it though...

What a wonderful time after that...speechlessness couldn't have described it better...the long lonely walks by the seaside at night...the love making in his kitchen...the long drives in her maroon Ford Ka...the way they just held hands, slowly brushed against each other and stared at the Manhattan skyline after many an evening. He did not bother thinking about it too much...you wonder why...the flow damn it!! He was going with the flow...and flow their love did.

They were going on about their love...almost like a bee buzzing about its flower...teasing each other for some time...buzzzzzzzzzz....buzzzzzzzzzzzzz...until they meet...and then symbiosis. The sweetness of it all. The calm before the storm...then the storm...then the eye of the storm...the storm back again...and wiederholen again from the top...crazy little thing called love.

"Made for eachother"...the passersby whispered..."Mad for eachother"...their friends whispered...wonderful people. People are wonderful. How much love can be in the air...buzzzzzzzzzz...buzzzzzzzzz...the buzz is getting stronger for some strange reason. And the sweetness lighter...the ecstasy remains the same though...wonderful people they were with eachother...picture perfect. A picture yet again was the need of most of their days together...but no, they did not take a single picture of together...who needs memories when life is rolled out in front in the form of the plushest reddest and unbelievably soft carpet you can ever float upon...floating...because their carpet had magic in it...yes, a magic carpet. And they flew on it...buzzzzzzzzz...that was the flow not the flew...

The passion had nowhere but higher to go...leaving behind the embers of the bridge burning behind them, they could not turn back now...they were way too much in love to try waiting for the world to accept them. Why? Oh god why? Isn't it enough if two people love each other so much...why cant you leave them in peace...in quiet...talking of which, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...and a new sound now...thup thup thup thup thup...rhythmic...almost melodious...so steady that it gave one goosepimples. The world might even turn upside down...nauseating you...you can feel your ears pop at the pressure...but...their love was ethereal...was pure. An endless river of it for good measure...

But wait...this flow...did you even wonder what might happen if it stopped or even slowed down? No...of course it cant...it's unthinkable...just like their love was unquantifiable. Will they be shattered? Battered and bruised? Will their friends feel sad and share the pain? Or is it their own? Who cares...the flow is still there...just gotta go with it...hoho...party time again, bring on the beer boys!!

buzzzzzz....thup thup....buzzzzzzz..thup thup whup thup....bzzzzzzzz...

The accident...it was gruesome...straight off the cliff and into the waiting ocean...no...not their magic carpet...it can fly of course...but the Ford Ka. She must have been in quite some pain before the final moment...before she went under. The fall unto the ocean...what must have gone through her mind? Is it true that your life flashes before your eyes before death? Her terror must have been absolute...was she thinking of him?

His friend called him with the news...this happened just about the time when you started reading this...3 minutes...4...5 at the maximum....5 minutes. He had 5 minutes to reflect until this moment. Grief is too weak a word to describe that feeling...to make matters worse for him, not a friendly face around...no shoulder to lean on...not even a wall to lean on. Just a hollow shell of vibrating metal. Buzzzzzzzzz..thup thup thup...no, not the flow...it quite plainly came to a grinding halt a few minutes ago...for the moment atleast. But that sound...that was the Cessna...twenty thousand feet and counting...it's amazing how fast these planes can climb skywards in 5 minutes...and quite amazing how he got the call just when the plane was still within communication range. This is the point where I have no idea what's running through his mind...I am flowing now...with time in its latest avatar...I think its best he is left alone for now.

"She...I...I love her...I just love her...god...I love her...Oh god why...why..."

buzzzzzzzzzzzz...thup thup thup....buzzzzzzzzz....

"Yo Michael...what the hell you mumbling at the rear...we are almost in space now...wanna get your ass off my deck or what? C'mon man...my wife will kill me if I let the bacon get cold..."

He looks up from between his crumpled up legs and wonders at how uncompassionate that sounded...5 minutes...only 5 minutes....damn! He did not believe this...he wanted out...he wanted to escape this metal sarcophagus...he jumps...into space...away from that closed space...

The feeling of freedom, the freedom of falling...of elation...of flying...he is closer to heaven just above. He always forgets his problems and pleasures while up there...alone...when the depth of being just a speck in the wide wide universe is magnified a thousand fold in comparison to gazing at the stars by the beachside on a lucid night...quintessential reflection of the mind at its free'est. He took a whiff of the air...turned around twice...once at the waning sun and once at the waxing moon...with the stars faintly visible above. A tear formed...and instantly vaporised...he couldn't even cry here...not even allowed his pain...but then, the tonic of gravity...of free falling was almost soothing...

But this time...the closer he got to the ground...the more he hated it...more than he normally does. Times before...there was she to go back home to...now just an empty planet filled with people...hmm...heaven above and hell beneath. Stuck in a limbo for a short but sweet while...but there was nothing he could do...or was there?

The wind against his face was now making a hell of a rumble...shouting its warning against the impending jungle below. The ground below was now uncomfortably getting closer...bigger...almost like an invisible and huge magnifying glass was falling in reverse from the ground up towards him floating harmlessly in limbo. Its unfair...the planet already has so many people...why does it want him so bad? There is no life for him left now down there in hell...unbearable.

But wait...there is something yet left to think upon...should he pull the cord? In one smooth non-action, should he save himself from the agony waiting to be heaped upon him? Should he be the man and brace himself against the instance of a horrible coming together? But then...should he take this in his stride and make his life worth living more than what anyone could have dreamed of? Should he take the small step towards recovery which might lead him to bigger treasures? Should he be another kind of man and face his adversity head on?

There he was...a blip above the beautiful Manhattan skyline...the funny thing was, even from his view point, he could still see the curved Manhattan skyline...all the straight lines no more...lines now arcs...rectangles now ovals...squares now circles...their love so much etched into memory with the Manhattan skyline now getting twisted out of shape and fighting with its own surreal will. But he was now alone in this fight...in his struggle...

The skyline brought his first date to mind...and the next...and the one after that...and then, all the memories he ever had of her flashed across his disturbed mind. Was that his life flashing before his eyes? Was she his only life? Or was she dearer than life itself?

He saw a falcon swooping past him chasing after an invisible nothing...at that moment of freedom and movement of purpose, he knew what he had to do. He decided in that moment of life or death...to simply...go with the flow.

Learning to crawl...a sci-fi short story.

2006-02-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

"Hello my brother...what brings you up here? Is not your allowance exceeded for this pulse period?"

"Yes my brother...but i come to talk to you. I hope the guards don't spy me out..."

"Inspite of times that pass, i am sure you have something stimulating to talk about...shall we exit through the north east gangway?"

"Perfect...the prarie wind is strong at this time of the pulses i reckon...stealth is of essence brother...we should not be hasty!"

And off they swooped into the air...the two men from PhoenixII, of the third galactic ring. PhoenixII was their home...they were born there...they took their first flaps there...at their prime, they ruled the skies...but that was a long time ago...

Phoenix II is in war...has been for a long time now...their orange skies are now a murky gray...the swell currents which used to be fresh and invigorating was now damp and garbled...but of course, war has always had its penalties.

The two friends were now high up in the stratocurrent...where the chances of them being overheard and spied upon was little...one cannot be too careful during such hard times.

"Tell me my brother...what is it that you want to talk about? I hope it does not have much to do with the proponents of war or their thoughts. I have had enough of that propaganda to last a thousand pulses!"

"You besmirch my standing with such thoughts my brother...certainly, you know me better! But i cannot but help observe the note of sarcasm in your voice, you jest brother...a little seriously...but jest you do!"

"Keen observation..and quite right too. I am very interested in hearing this...here?"

"No...not here...we still got a while...follow me!"

And off they swooped...into a nosedive...their wings close by their sides, sharp body features cleaving the thickening air until they felt warm...they were the highest among the race of aerial beings...The Narulars was their given name...also known as the silent assassins. Over the millennia, they trained and developed their art of flying to such an extent that few can match them now in their dexterity and guile up in the air. They were valuable additions to any army...any imperial emperor will have atleast a couple of Narulars in his elite guard at all times. The very reason why they are always in focus during times of war...and times of hardships...

The two Narular came upto the ground now...but did not land...as they did not have their shields with them at the moment. Not for fear of attack but simply because their anatomy did not allow them direct contact with soil to go without bodily harm. This has been both the curse and a boon for the Narulars. When technology was in its infancy, they still had to survey the ground for food, raw materials and other vital necessities...their evolution of being dependent on a toxic environment for their daily survival honed their survival skills and sharp instincts in them. Their reflexes and intelligence evolved faster than any other race...and thus, they are blessed now with prosperity.

They were almost skimming the ground now...such was their precise control over their movements that they barely gave a second thought to an emergency forcing them to touch the ground...they dodged a climaherb...they settled down into an intransient flap torrent thus conserving energy...

"My brother...i am thankful for being born into my family...into our race...in this planet...i love being myself. But there is something which i yearn for nowadays...its unreachable...i know...but my thoughts cant escape that line for long each day...its troubling me a lot. I don't know if i am being stupid...i dream they might say...but what's wrong with dreams or fiction i fail to understand..."

"Tell me...what is it which haunts you?"

"Well...have you not ever wondered how it will be to have legs and walk the ground without fearing death?"

"....hmmm..."

"I know it sounds crazy...but have you not wondered...have you not...have you..."

"Yes i have. But i have never told anyone...the very thought is frightening..."

They rounded upon a hill now...the vegetation below sparsened out a little...enough to spy out the land creatures who live in holes in the ground.

"Depends on your point of view...i look at those burrowing creatures down there...and i cant help envying them...the feeling of solidity underneath their feet...the surety with which they can move...the possibility of perfect immobility without the need to find a perching place...and mainly, their minds my brother. Their minds can be free of thoughts like my current thought when life is simple enough to be lived out without any hitch..."

"Hmmm...my brother, i see the thought and wisdom behind your words...but its not our way to be friends with that which will blow us down! We respect the soil...and use it for our needs...but...not like what you say..."

"Intelligence it seems is chaotic in its substance...this war we fight...its caused by intelligence among the fliers...to think such schemes to conquer or defend...when something is not required for mere survival, intelligence is destructive when kept unleashed my brother...and i am simply envious of these land creatures...their evolution lent them enough intelligence to ensure survival...and its enough for the universe!"

"Ah...i see your view..."

The night was wearing on...the silence of the place broken only by their wing beats sobered out the scene...the stars were out tonight...such a rarity during war times when camouflage smoke smothered most of the stars out. They were well beyond the gallery range now...

"My fatal fascination with the soil is not so blasphemous now eh?"

"Allow me to ask you something. Have you ever thought about a world...where there are beings...intelligent beings...who are lands beings...do you think that one of them, not unlike you now, will be wondering the exact same thing. Do you think its possible that someone somewhere in some universe will be thinking...how it will feel to fly in the air...how wonderful it is to be an aerial creature...the freedom of movement in three dimensions in comparison with the two that he is used to...

Do you not think...that such a being might get such thoughts? If so, what do you think he might do about it...he will try to find a way to conquer his dreams...intelligence that you speak of might be useful here...soon, i am sure he will conquer the skies...but, my brother...if the sky is harmful to him...if he fails in mid flight, the fall might be great enough to kill him. He will fear that...he will fear that...his intelligence will fear that. Its not therefore possible for such a thing to happen...we have to play to our strengths...and the ground is not our strength."

"But in such a world as you say...the utter fascination of flying might be overpowering enough for intelligence to find a way...like we have our shields. Inspite of the fear of their failure, we still venture out like its normal...now, how would it feel to be born a land creature...to have that mobility that these creatures enjoy...thats what i am thinking about..."

"Ah...i see that the war has not affected your power to dream my brother. Dream away my dear Narular...dreams are always good for the future...but, if you can show me a world with such beings whose thoughts of flying is overwhelming, then that will make my pulse period!"

"You know as well as i do thats not possible...we have not seen such a world of intelligence yet. Its a well know fact that to be intelligent, you need to have the power of flight. But it makes me wonder whether our forefathers were wrong in this..."

"I don't know whether they are right or wrong...but my brother, is your hunger satisfied now with thoughts enough to fill up the empty spaces?"

The sky started lightening a little now...the twin stars were almost about to rise...in normal times, this would have made a beautiful scene...but in such pressing times, the beauty of the scene fails to register in the disturbed mind...afterall, beauty is what the mind perceives.

"Maybe...i don't know...in any case, its time for me to report to the hangar. We are making our way on a mission to survey for some critical mineral deposits to help build some terrestrial missiles...hmmm..."

"Ah...that does not sound bad. Where might you be heading off to...?"

"Wherever it takes. As you know, the critical minerals are almost extinguished in this galactic ring...we might be heading out to uncharted territory...will be an adventure to experience i am sure. I can tell you this...we have our eye on this particular planetoid we have been observing for some time now...initial projections seems to suggest that its atmospheric composition is ideal for our needs..."

"Well my brother...i wish you all luck in this mission of discovery. Meanwhile, i suggest you keep your thoughts with yourself...its not healthy to spread such unconventional thoughts around in such...ahhh...might we say, delicate times..."

"Yes...thank you brother for listening...i am grateful..."

"Of course...anything for an old comrade in arms! And...this planetoid, does it have a name?"

"SS3RFTS-MW is the internal code given by our observatory. But interestingly, our philosophical scriptures seem to mention it from ancient times...but the information is incomplete...lost along the way. I beleive its called Earth..."

"Earth...a not too inspiring name...don't expect to find too much there my brother. Our ancestors seem not to be too interested in this planetoid enough to refer to it with a more intelligent name. Anyway, time to go..."

And with a strong but gentle push, the two Narulars soared into the rising twin stars...

Relative change....

2006-01-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

Change is lovely...change is amazing...change is what keeps a guy going...change is what makes humans so soooo well...human!

But lets say you change something about yourself...you might change, and be ok with it...but are others cool with it? How do others reacting to your change affect your change in it self? Will you revert back a little? Or will you feel pissed...or will you ignore everybody and go ahead with less tension...but does this make you not very amiable to feedback which it is sort of important after any change?

I mean...a change without any subsequent feedback negates the entire purpose...atleast in most cases where the change is made in a reactive way...or in the better cases where the change is proactive.

But sometimes, doesn't it piss you off when other people notice the change and ask stupid questions? Guess its part of the game eh...hopefully it should not influence you enough to revert back to your original state...that's cowardice in case you are one who changes after much thought...or you are impulsively ethical or such...ah...rare people those...anyway...that's more or less my point.

What i am getting at is this...that change is good...and one must not be afraid to change while thinking about what other people might say or react...be yourself and be honest to yourself first! Life will be good.

A dream to touch...a short story.

2005-12-24T12:45:00.000-08:00

The wind in their faces...they could detect a faint trace of salt in the sea air...lovely in its flavour...especially at this time of the night. The stars were out...individually nothing but specks of dust among the infinite black but together a complex work of art capable of inspiring imaginantion individual to each as well as give a chance to collectively ponder on certain things...and ponder they did.

Both of them...they were meeting after a while...quite a couple of years later to be vaguely precise. Old school mates...they shared the same bench...went to the same classes...they used to give each other company during their morning jog...the excercise did them good...as did each others company. They never used to speak much...but merely enjoyed each others company. Both of them never needed to say much to talk to each other...unlike others, they could understand each other quite well without much to carry the message. Think its called a semantic gap...what the hell was that?

Right now, the only thing separating the two was a couple of inches of sand...off the coast...the waves did not quite manage to reach their footprints left by their bare toes...but then it was trying really hard imploring the moon to wax further...the waves, periodic in its voice...and yet abstract in its path. Not very much unlike the both of them...they weaved their own paths along their lives...but yet, they thought in the same wavelength...the resonated well together. They were...the best of friends.

The moon came out from behind a cloud at this moment...sudden dark shadows traced their way behind their backs and just managed to kiss their car...soft music playing...

"Hey...i think you should not worry about this too much!" said he...

"But how can i not? This is too tough a thing to endure...its not happening for the first time too...whats wrong with me?"

Her hair was billowing about in the breeze...hiding her eyes...she sounded stable...he thought he heard a faint sob...he looked out into the horizon...nothing but darkness. He was thinking now...the invisible horizon seemed to broaden his own thoughts...

"Hmmm...i think you should try harder...its not as easy as it sounds but you got to give it a decent shot. Think back now, from what happened between you two...do you think it happened out of chance or were you able to see it coming?"

"Well...i...i don't know!! The first time i was taken by surprise at the way he reacted...but the second time...hmmm...no, i was still surprised!"

"That might mean that you are still the same person...now why is he seeing you in a different light now? Did you do anything which changed things between you two?"

"No...i mean, nothing which cant be classified as daily eccentricities. Infact, its one of the things that he likes about me...i really am lost now. I did not see us arguing like this...it was...horrible. I felt like killing myself after that..."

He put an arm around her shivering shoulders...her hair brushed his face...

"Hey...hey...relax. Its ok...how many years have you two been together...almost 3 years right! Its time which is the enemy here...for the 3 years, have you ever felt a need to change the plane of your relationship? Did you need that to carry on?"

"No...we pretty much have the same fire or whatever you call it between us...but there is something else now...is it caused due to our familiarity with each other? damn...i don't feel any different towards him now than i felt that day when i told you about how i love him...i still remember that day so clearly...you had come to town for your final semester holidays and i called you as soon as you landed...poor you, i am so sorry for not giving you much time to get settled..but i had to tell this to someone...and i could think of only you at that time!"

His reply was slow...measured...supporting...
"Of course...anytime..."

She turned to look at him now...his face still had its old aura...blunt nose, slightly curved lips, long hair flopping over his eyes, dark skin...but he looked a little tired now. The lines around his eyes were a little deeper...of course, he was working now...he always seemed to work least and yet achieve the most in school. No wonder he breezed through the exams and went on a scholarship for his studies to the best college in the country...she thought she was always the dumb one...how much he used to help her with her studies...all the times during which he patiently sat with her under that banyan tree in their school yard...all the times when he still managed to help her while he was back in town on holiday...it was almost like she did not need to ask him for his help...he just is there for her. She smiled inspite of her hurt...she inched a little closer and leaned onto his shoulder...

He continued staring out onto the ocean...he saw a single ship sailing west...the moon ducked back behind a cloud now throwing the entire beach into darkness.

"I think this is part of the process of a relationship...there is little meaning in a relationship if you live in a dreamworld all the time. Sometimes we have to come down to earth and experience life with our loved ones...that deepens the feeling and prepares you for the future. Its only a matter of time until you can realise this...i hope you can do so sooner than later... "

She gripped his arm tighter now...a cold wind just ran across the empty beach...he did not flinch. Rock steady...as he has always been...she realised the meaning of his words...thought about it for a while...

"You know what...it still amazes me how you say the right things at the right time. I...i have been living in a dream world all this while...i think i can see it now..."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes...yes..."

"Then just pack your bags, get back on that train and go back. Surprise him the way you surprised me by landing up without any announcement. Believe me, if he is anywhere close to having a level head on his shoulders, he would have realised what he just let go...Believe me, any guy...any guy...who has spent time with you would want you...would want you back!!......"

She was expecting him to continue with what he was saying...but he did not...the ship in the horizon was almost beyond its edge now...the wind let down its enthusiasm...it was warmer...she felt warm inside. She looks up at the stars...then at his still profile...she thanked all the stars above how lucky she is to have him as her friend. He is always a pillar of support during hard times and is always happy for her when good things happen to her...she still remembered the most happiest day of her life. The same day she recalled a while ago...she proposed to her lover the day before...and he accepted! He was so happy at hearing the news...although he couldn't stay for long...it was her fault for rushing him into the news before he was settled down...he had to run to meet an uncle of his! She remembers wishing that he stayed longer...

"Thanks a lot!"
He just nodded his head...as always...a man of few words...but valuable words.

"Think we better get going now...your train back should be early next morning...you don't want to call him up at an unearthly hour. Maybe its better that you surprise him with something...a home cooked meal maybe..."

"Wow...what will i do without you!! This really means a lot to me...thanks!"

"I just want you to be happy! No need for thanks and all that crap...am here and you know it...C'mon, lets go!"

They got up together...she started walking back to the car...he went upto the shore to pick up their slippers which the waves managed to reach now...he picked them up and stood still for a second...breathing in the night air...he always liked this spot. He used to come here whenever he needed to think...or reflect...or ponder...or just whenever he needed not to think about anything. The peace that this place afforded him was invaluable...especially considering that he has been visiting this spot quite often in the last 3 years...

The moon came out from behind the clouds...it was almost a full moon. The moon is quite intriguing...you think you know it well...afterall, you have been seeing it since you were a kid. But there is always the dark side...which never reveals itself...mysterious...void...cold...brooding.

How he dreamed that day when he landed in town...how he dreamed about how to tell her what he felt...how dreamed about that moment for the last few months...how he bought a single red rose which he had tucked inside his coat...how he practiced for hours in front of the mirror on one knee...how, many years after being the best of friends, he realised something which he almost knew all along...how he never ever in his wildest thoughts expected what she told him as soon as he met her...how he had to endure the pain inside and yet appear normal...how he managed to do one hell of a job acting like he was happy for her...how he muttered some reason and rushed off into the dark cold night...how he almost felt like killing himself...how much he cried...how he came to this exact spot and remained here throughout the night...how much he cried...how much he sacrified...how much torture he had to go through to go back to being her friend...how well he did one hell of a job of that as well...how he is still acting in patches...how he is still unable to stop feeling for her...how he is still shedding a tear each day for her...how he is still in love with her.

He looked back...there she was...her dress tracing out her divine form in the wind...her hair shining like a silver cascade flowing along her back...her eyes shining now with glee at whats to come...her childlike enthusiasm...her elegance and composure...her eccentricities which makes her wonderfully unpredictable...she was his dream woman in his strained reality...unrealisable...a dream...yet a dream that can be touched, felt and held close to oneself.

He made a mental note of the new restaurant a while uproad...he wouldn't mind a beer or two while he is here tomorrow night...he slowly started walking back...the waves won finally...but his footprints will be back to challenge them for a while...

God is too big to fit into one religion...

2005-11-26T14:05:00.000-08:00

What do you think of that folks? Well...i saw that on a T-Shirt during one of my various escapes in Bangalore...couldnt resist buying that T-Shirt!! I sport it now and then...but in Germany where i am right now, it got a couple of odd reactions from people.

First, my graduate program manager...she took one look at that and she went "Jesus saves all" followed by some very high pitched preaching...or rather praising the lord. I was like..."Hmm...oooook.....if you say so".

Then more recently...a professor of mine...he looked at the T and asked me about it...i told him that i liked the underlying message of religious equality that this implied and not exactly the thing about how great god is...and he was quite interested in this view...he started talking too...and we spoke for a long time after that...he told me of various incidents that occured all over the world with many people...all about jesus...god...the holy spirit...heaven and hell. Very interesting for me...very...

But finally, i think he too was trying to make an attempt at propounding his own religious beleifs. He is not a religious person people...he is not a follower...but just a beleiver. Now what makes me wonder is...in this coutry which is the seat of the religion in many ways than one...did i do the right thing by wearing such a T shirt? I mean...in todays world of tolerance and secularity and respect...does it really matter? I am amazed how people cling to their beleifs...if someone is agnostic or an atheist to start with and then realised certain truths or felt the invisible vibes which exist all over the universe and then started beleiving in what we call as "god", he or she is a true beleiver.

Others...well...maybe they are true...maybe. But i have my doubts whether half the people around you know what the hell is going on in their religion...oh sure...they know whats it about, they know how it works, they know all the rules...yes, the rules. But...does any one of them know why they do what they do? Do they know how other religions work? Do any of them know how another person is brought about beleiving certain things that consumes his or her entire being to the extent of whitewashing their mind...?? Or...are they aware of how certain people can be without any beleifs whatsoever and be free of any burden...but yet...lonely...longing...hmmm.

What i am saying is this...one should be given the option of choosing ones own religious beleifs. One should be able to check out what its about...what one can associate with...what suits one beleifs. If nothing is available, customise it i say. Take the first two paragraphs from the Kuran and merge it with the gospel of john or something...i mean, whatever...finally, if one can find that one formula that one can depend upon blindly with the reassurance of it never letting him or her down during times of need or otherwise...thats what true beleif is about.

Where does god play a part in all this? Poor dude has been ignored all this while...we humans are a pretty self important lot...we emphasise on our own brilliance...we revel in our own magnificence...our crowning achievements...ha! God...hmmm...the concept. A lovely concept...evolution maybe...or the brainchild of some desperate person...or maybe the other way around. Dont know...maybe...maybe not! You know what the problem is...the word "god"...or its equivalent in other languages...they all evoke the same feeling in people, the same inner meaning...but damn, so many forms and shapes and colours and flavours. Discord among the same final thought...its only a thought and a feeling damn it!! Thought...which saves mankind from the dangers of everyday life...i have a feeling thats the reason why we have many of the stupid ugly problems of yesterday still around today.

Each day...each minute...a fresh conflict happens...2 sides form...and in time, a third side evolves...neutral...totally unconcerned. Is this the way evolutions seperates the next generation from the older defunct generation...but then, a fresh conflict happens...and again, someone neutral and so on and on...forvever and ever. But the older generations never disappear eh...

Entropy...is it? I think so...
Am still searching...until then, god is too big to fit into one religion...

The alternate stairway...

2005-11-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

When people got the guts to do something different, is the rewards greater because they actually are...or do the rewards seem greater because of the barriers that one had to cross?

Well...am i talking about Entrapreneurship? Well...not exactly...it can be anything different...but with an aim to improve...maybe with am aim to entertain...maybe with an aim to prove something for oneself...maybe just a wild streak of inspiration...essentially, going down a path never before trodden...

The need to be different...sometimes it can be an obsession which drives someone to insanity. But when one does different things just to satisfy the ego...or maybe to satisfy the self...and it just happens to be something unique...creative...never done before...hmmmm...chances are that it will make loads of sense...even to those who do not benefit from it.

When people be different by chance, they normally do not expect anything in return...when a certain idea turns out to be creative and innovative by chance, they might not even be aware of it...but then, the moment when someone respects the idea or the deed and acknowledges it for what it is...wow!! Its a wonderful feeling...

Praise...something which mankind can never expect or get enough of...and when it comes unexpected, its a feeling of being somewhere higher...above the clouds...among the gods...above the gods...with the stars...by the universe!! Happiness...unadulterated...its a fantastic feeling. Maybe...maybe it can be compared to the happiness of a mother when her child is born...maybe...i would not know...

The unexpected always magnifies the absolute feeling that one might experience otherwise...instead of feeling good one might feel elated...instead of feeling bad one might feel devastated...the mystery behind happenings...without it, life becomes colourless!

One step at a time though...

Honesty in love and sexuality...

2005-10-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

Why women are afraid of the word 'date'? And why cant a guy come over to a girl's house to pick her up for a movie/pub/dinner etc. I feel that Indians (men & women) are not honest about their feelings on love and sexuality...I believe this opinion of mine holds true to the majority of the urban population.

Now, why did I mention just women in the first sentence of this post? Why not men...well...I guess its quite obvious that its the men who are expected to be proactive in such things...but why? Why cant some girl walk upto a guy and ask him out? Hehe...too progressive eh...maybe...but the guy will be so surprised that he just might say yes!! So, girls...take that as a tip! ;)

Nowadays, its pretty cool I guess...some women are coming out of their shell...some are already in the second generation of being outta that same shell. That's cool...but this doesn't apply throughout the length, breadth, height or whatever of the spectrum of Indian urban women. As for the men, its simple...they are all the same...promiscuous creatures...if some claim they never had some "thoughts", they are plain hypocrites!!

I guess even in the developed west, some of the taboos of the east hold...but then it boils down to a question of the individuals personality...if the person is shy, it doesn't matter whether its the east or the west...but then, in the east, are we not giving too much attention to the needs of the society...which is influenced by peer pressure and the burgeoning population? Cannot someone exist at peace with the society and yet lead a life of owns own rules and thought?? C'mon...no one will crucify or burn you at the stake!! Damn invisible walls...

This brings me to an interesting point...those people, who are thus restricted live out their fantasies and wishes through the www. Some are just plain honest...and some exceed the line. But for the honest ones, it should not be so tough to take that step in real life...why is it so hard? Interestingly nowadays, its so easy to fall in love online...maybe I should blog about this sometime later...

Anyways, guys and gals...please be honest. It will make you better people...I can tell you that for sure!! ;)

Roots...not the earthy variety...

2005-10-22T03:51:00.000-07:00

No...not even close to "Roots" by Alex Haley...but something similar I have to say...infact, something similar to the authors feelings...

Have you ever been proud of your roots? Your ancestry? How you happened to be...in this world...in this time...?? Tempted to answer in the positive aren't you?? :)

Well...in my case, I had loads pride in being a national of my country. But never did it occur to me to be proud of my religion...to be proud of my ancestry...I was just proud of being who I am...the person...my thoughts...my actions....how blessed I am with my cool parents...how I turned out because of them and lot others. But...I never gave a serious thought to this thing about my...roots.

I am agnostic...I believe I am responsible for my own destiny and that, the things I do shape my thought and the things I think guide my action...well...it seems not to be so simple...cos I started thinking...thinking...only very recently in my short time spent on this planet...a very short time indeed...

What was I doing until then...I dunno...following the crowd maybe...just another rat in that race...just another brick in the wall...I dunno...and I dont wanna ponder on that as well. But my point is this, in the time before my cocoon burst, circumstances have shaped me in both the positive and negative side of things...so, there are still some things with respect to my thought process that I am still not in control of...

Let me come back to the main idea of this blog entry...
I was talking of things that I am not in control of anymore...for example, recently here in a foreign country (where I am going to spend some part of my near future...), I met some people from my native country. Ok...fine. It was nice to see so many people...but whatha hell, my country is more than a billion...so, not so surprised. Ah ha...but some were from my regional state within my country, we share the same mother tongue...again, no big surprise. Ah ha...but again, some were from the same college as my undergrad univ...guess what, still I was not so surprised...because those people who are really interested in this field have good chances of landing up here where I am studying right now. Hmm...I bet you are now wondering...does this guy actually have any feeling for nostalgia and all that...haha!! Believe me, I do...I was just expressing my lack of surprise.

But then...there was something that surprised me...I was surprised by my own reactions and feelings after being exposed to one teeny weeny fact. Some people here are from my own religious subsect. Creed if you will...Tirunelveli Sivapillai to be exact. This kind of this never happened to me before...never when I was in my native country. Now, I am agnostic...I dont pray voluntarily...god is just a concept for me...I hate any religious propaganda...I love unity, fairness and peace. But such a person would not expect himself or herself to be affected in an emotional level with something as stupid as meeting another person from the same sub caste or whatever that shit is called...but I was. It felt warm...to listen to these people reminiscing about our common city of ancestry...about the street next to the temple where our grandfathers used to play...I mean, I have not seen my fathers native place more than a coupla times...I was not stirred much by its sight till date...but listening to a relative stranger talk about it shook and stirred something inside me...

Was it me being in a foreign country...?? Was it my own growing maturity?? Was it due to all the family members who I met before flying out of my country?? Was it the insignificance of the mathematical figure deciding the probability of meeting such people in such a place at such a time?? Maybe...might be...maybe...

Your roots...I guess, the knowledge of it is enough to instill a subconscious pride of your lineage. Of course, none of us are descendants of the Eldar, the elves of the light. Haha...but this pride...damn, its cool! My roots...it does not matter if my great great great grand mom was the product of a foreign chromosome...whatever...it doesn't matter. Its now...your roots...its still something still very much in the present...but gains it charm from the past. Stupid thing to say right? No, I think not...you are already a branch of that tree, whether you like it or not. If you are lucky, you can be proud of it as much as you are proud of yourself...how you turned out. Its a wonderful thought thinking of this...evolution damn!!! Have you read that book that I mentioned in the first sentence of this entry??? One of my favs...maybe I feel this way cos I was easily able to appreciate that book.

Anyways, I wish both you and your tree the very best. So goes the ending...

Cultural Gentlemen...

2005-10-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well...

I am right now outside my country...living with these people...people from all over the place. People representing most of the continents...diverse...varied...coloured...and black and white. Amazing period of time for me.

When one is with such people...and when no one knows anyone else...one would like to start a conversation. And normally, one starts a conversation by asking the other something about the person or something that he/she does...but...in this case, the smart people should realise that one cant really pinpoint how the culture and mental makeup of a person from a foreign land might be...so, what's the solution?

Be nice...sport a smile...greet the person each time he/she passes you by in the corridor...I don't remember doing that even when I was working at this respectable firm back home. But here, am able to be extra nice and stuff...dunno why...its not me. But then, it has to be me...cos no one told me how to behave...its just manifested itself at the time...makes me wonder as to how many facets of behavior has got imbibed into a person during a lifetime of mistakes and learning...of experiences and sweet pain...sigh...life is a lesson.

...am diverging...

Actually, I did blog this article yesterday...but due to an amazingly stupid coincidence of some probability functions in the mindblowingly flabbergastingly simple algos governing E-Blogger, my article was lost...no, not all of it...interestingly, only the most interesting parts and the climax of the damn article...damn...where, excuse me bragging a little, I wrote an interesting para...good humor...twas very funny...

To be or not to be rewritten...well, am still thinking...bet I cant reproduce it like I wrote it the first time...but sigh, should I give it a shot...hmmm...am listening to Coldplay...their music touches me each time at a subconscious level...also their latest album X&Y happened in my life when I was going through a lot of...personal issues...and unfortunately, the music around me leaves a permanent mark in my mind when something important or memorable is happening in my life. The tunes of the past influences me more than the melodies of the current...

For instance, in my third year of undergrad, when I was reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time, I had "Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory" running in the background throughout...and nowadays, when I listen to one of those songs, I see Gandalf the Grey riding across the open fields brandishing a glowing Glamdring on one hand and his staff alight with lightning on the other...shadowfax...a blur, almost an isle of pristine purity in a sea of dark death...I still get goosepimples seeing that!!

...I diverged again...

Hehe...my readers, please pardon me...am sorta tired after a long day and pissed with my article being cut in half and put out to dry...so, please forgive the random mumbling...anyways, lemme get back to the point where I diverged out first...

Now that I am listening to Coldplay...already 4 songs are done...I am getting such memories that I would not like to get but am stuck with it for sometime, atleast until I can learn to forget...I think I am almost there... :) Hey, I am feeling better already....think I better get back to Cultural Gentlemen.

Anyways, my point is...one will inherently be careful when dealing with someone new. Atleast more careful that before...that's relative...but even that might lead to disaster as I have witnessed here with a coupla people...sigh...even martians might not be better than humans at this...lemme explain...

Imagine that a martian landed in your backyard...
He is here on a mission of peace...his mission is to provide the human race with technology that would solve many of the current problems that's slowly but surely destroying the face of the planet...for example, the inability to wirelessly transmit power, the greenhouse problem, the efficacy of cancer to evolve enough to avoid being trapped by a cure...blabla...

His mission, if mankind chooses to receive it, will ensure a lifetime of availability...heaven on earth...but, he has to get through the formalities first doesn't he? Of course, owing to his superior technology, he was able to observe these humans long enough to decipher that a hand shake is a gesture of greeting and of peace...so, that's exactly what he tried to start out with. But unfortunately, his 13th tentacle came in the way of the other 12 when he was trying to perform this relatively simple maneuver. It was not a very pretty or peaceful sight...what with his green scales and blood red eyes not at all helping matters...also those flashing lights from the tips of the tentacles looked like a mad cowboy from the wild west setting the town on fire!! Not at all good...unfortunately, human technology was primitively advanced enough to detect the UV and invisible waves also being thrown out at random from the martian dude...and thanks to an electrical short circuit somewhere thanks to the previous night's thunderstorm, the equipment malfunctioned and elevated the threat level due to radiation to the levels of those on the sun!!! Of course, the bigwigs at Houston launched the missiles to counter attack...and BOOM!!

He was not happy...the martian that is...although his force field made him look positively happy when actually he was cursing the earthlings in the most horrendous martian...damn...the first doofus politician who misread this as a sign of submission and walked up to the dude got vapourised...republicans down by one more...shit, it was not a bush!!! a bush down the drain is worth a thousand other politicians down the same drain too!! but what the hell...something is better than nothing eh...anyways, thus started the war of the worlds and all that doomsday stuff...

Well, you see what I mean...one can easily tick off others of whom one knows not. Whether one likes it or not, I beleive everyone are more or less cultural gentlemen by evolution...and manifests into one by circumstance. I rest my extremely wandering case...amen...and please excuse this nomad for this once...

Cmon...grow up! No dont..bedtime!!!!

2005-08-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

Whats it like...to be an adult?
When do we become one?

Is it accepting more responsibility which means that we are adults? But if you manage to bite off too much to chew, does that mean that you are not an adult?

If you still like watching cartoons, does that make you a kid? If you still like your dosas to be made in a certain shapes like cats or dogs or something like that, does that mean you are a kid?

If you are thinking much about the things that matter like relationships and your future and thus get stressed out, does that mean you are an adult? If you dont handle that stress like a man and are not able to bear pain, does that mean you are a kid?

If you shout at someone when some moments of thought could have avoided that incident mean you are immature? Is maturity something thats associated only with adulthood? Cannot kids be mature too? But then what makes them kids...that they play around with their Xbox´es?? Then when grownups cry at something which gives them pain, does that make them kids??? I dont know...should i be bothered about this at all...i dont know still...

Silent...sacrificing...unattached...internal pain...but external content...caring...but concerned...is that an adult for you? Is sharing a sign of weakness...of childishness? If so, then i am a child already...look at me...blogging about this... :)

I have not asked so many questions in any article till now...whatever, its a life that we have to live...maybe if we live under the maxim to keep everyone, including yourself, happy (which might require certain sacrifices), things might be cooler eh...i dont know...

I think that thinking is the true sign of an adult...thinking not only about oneself...but about others too...and extending thought into action without which ones adulthood wont manifest itself. And if you can get good results out of the actions, good for you...you are a smart cookie. Otherwise, better work on that MBA fast!!! I just dug my grave... ;)

Being an adult is not as bad as i thought...but the child in me still takes over...i have to thank the child in me for being where i am...i will have much use for the child in me even when i am an adult i am sure...again, being an adult is not as bad as i thought...

That was a child speaking... :D

Its all in the mind...

2005-08-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

Or is it?

Well...the human mind...or for that matter, the mind exerts quite a strong influence over our daily and not so daily activities. Its usually tough to notice its influence...but its there...and most of the time, it gets dismissed as a whim or a physical thing...probably influenced by todays many taboos, in place thanks to social pressure and involuntary peer conformance.

One small example...
When i was a kid, i used to hate travelling by car. I never thought about why i hated that...although i am a car crazy maniac otherwise. I love looking and touching and sketching them since i was a kid...but somehow travelling in them gave me the willies...especially my fathers car. I used to get sick...i used to beg for him to let down the windows to let the air in. He used to whine about this...as my hometown is a pretty hot place and the AC was on all the time.
Anyways, its only later that i realised that i used to react to my fathers perfume...the odour was quite unbearable at times...and i used to feel giddy. But i blamed the poor car AC. And so a mental complex developed...all AC cars were a strict no-no although the real culprit was my fathers perfume...
Now, i realised all this when i started driving myself...i noticed that this aversion no more existed when i was driving...why?? Well...i logically concluded that it was within me. I gave almost all my attention to the road...and my mind was not concentrating on the perfume odour (yes, it was still around!!)...and over time, even when i was not driving and was an relatively idle passenger, i was able to ignore the perfume. So, now i am ok with any kind of car with any perfume in it with or without the AC!! :) Infact, am crazy about driving any new car i can get my hands on...

As you can see, with enough training one unconsciously manages to overcome previous taboos...which unfortunately the mind rationalised as something concrete. The minds games are not that tough to overcome...all that it takes is a little thought and application!

One more example...my friend...she gets real dizzy and sick before any kind of car travel or flying...and even during the travel, she is a victim of motion sickness. I was a little shocked at first when i saw her before her flight...she was getting all woozy and dizzy...an otherwise healthy gal suddenly became a little grumbly and sulky...there was still a good 5 hours for the flight and we were at home...but she started reacting...the very thought of the impending flight was enough to put her off. Now, isnt this a clear case of the mind ruling over the body? Well, since my mom was around at that time (she is a doctor), she suggested that it might be a vestibular problem...affecting of balance...and the related nausea...bla bla all medico talk. Well...she knows the body better than me...maybe she is right. Maybe my friend really had a problem...but i find it a little hard to beleive a purely non-neurological/non-psychological reason for this...because the damn flight was a quarter of a day away! Maybe she knew that the physical side of the problem would catch up with her and that kicked the mental aspect before its time...well, it makes things worse.

Anyways, the mind is quite a powerful entity....quite complex conceptually...guess thats why neoroscience is quite in its infancy. It scares an average person just thinking about how thinking works...both consciously and unconsciously!! And we know, us humans...we attack the simplest problem first...conquer it and move on to higher more tougher challenges...thats how the human race was able to progress. Similar to aiming for mars now that the moon is almost our solar backyard! Neuroscience is next...maybe that can explain why the hell its all in the mind...and ease some of us from our destructive imagination.

Sigh...wishful thinking you think...i suggest you free your mind. The mind can free itself.

Definitely lame...errr....male!

2005-08-10T00:37:00.000-07:00

Hey...that barbie on TV was cute! Where did you get your nails done? Nice shoes...you gotta give me the number of your tailor!!! errr...ok...before the guys out there kill me with their GI Joe guns, lemme spill the beans...

I...a guy...went to a beauty parlour! Ha! There...i said it. Its not as bad as i thought actually...

My original intention was to make an attempt at saving my mane from withering away...did get some treatment done for that! But slightly, the guy there and my mom tempted me to save my skin as well...maybe i should have ran away as fast as i could from the place to do exactly that!! :) But what the hell, am a stickler for experimentation...even if its on myself!! so, thought why the hell not?? Sure, gimme all you got mister!

So, got a damn facial done...damn damn facial...you know, the one where clueless faceless people sit around doing nothing with cucumbers over their eyes...is that there in all facials?? Whatever...thats the one...along with an arsenal of other slimy sticky stuff spattered all over the place and on my face which quite frankly has not resulted in any visual change whatsoever. My face did appear momentarily brighter though...i suspect the soap.

Since thats a lot of money down the drain, maybe the research should be oriented towards a cream which when applied would change the internal retinal composition of the people around so that you appear better looking...ha! Minority report that will be... ;)

Anyways, it felt nice during the facial...cos you are pampered like hell...someone is right there giving you their full attention and focus...that has not happened to me since i was caught looking at someones economics test paper in 8th grade!! What made the experience worth it was this entire bunch of crummy film magazines all over the place...Did you know what Shah Rukh Khan's hair dresser is off on maternity leave? So, dont be surprised if you catch him with a ponytail...cos he refuses to let anyone else cut his hair! Man, what an amazingly useful piece of info which i could, given the right conditions, use to change my life for the better thus ensuring the continued peace and prosperity of all the nations in the world as i might just be the next big thing after Kofi Annan! Sheesh....

But the facial was nice...
Oh my god!! Am i turning into a girllll....mummyyyyyy!!!!

Lucky Draw...Win BIG prizes...!!

2005-08-09T04:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt this after you meet some really long lost friend after a really long time..."How he has changed so much...like a totally new person!"

Well...some people consider that to be bad...for instance, when someone returns from the US after a stint of say 2-3 years, he/she is bound to have caught on a little bit of that american accent in their speech...its ok...it should not let one judge that person with false impressions. I have seen many people flaying their mates who are back home because of their accent..."peter english" they say...grow up guys. And even the people who are coming back...they are conscious of their actions...the words they speak...they are afraid of how society will respect their change and hence they put themselves through much trouble to get back their old self. Cmon...dont put yourselves through so much trouble. There is much more to a person than the exterior which your senses can directly detect...so, get their and your mind into the act...and marvel...!!

In my opinion, people dont change completely. They dont lose any of their qualities...to be replaced by other ones. The old qualities and feelings are still there...amidst newer qualities.
Adding many new factes over the old ones...old ones never disappear...refined they are if you will...

Common sense says you cant express two emotions at a time...2 facets at a time...so, the frequency of your old self coming out is lesser...that doesnt mean that the person has totally changed at that sample time...just that the new person has more to display...more to express... not possible to express all (including what you knew of the person) at the same time.

Therfore, lemme draw a crude analogy to make things more clear. I think a persons personality is like a box full of raffle tickets...

You enter the fair, go staraight to the raffle stall, get your own ticket and throw it in along with the rest. Initially there are very few tickets inside. Then as time goes on, more tickets are placed inside for the draw. Meanwhile, you are going on with your life...you enjoy the roller coaster ride...you let your kids ride the ferris wheel...you pose with the rubber clown at the gate because his nose was big, round and red...the kids loved it!! The day draws to a close. Time for the raffle...and no surprises that your ticket is not among the winning numbers.
Similarly, you know the person when you are buying the raffle tickets and adding them into the box. You might buy a thousand tickets...but with a sufficient period of time between two meetings, much could have happened to change that persons personality. So, you are all expectant to win the raffle...you are crossing your fingers...jumping with excitement making sounds like "ooo...ooo..ooo..yyyeeee...ooo". Chances are that you will go home disappointed. But not to worry, your tickets are still in the box. They were not lost...they are still there.

Therefore, what i have learnt is...to never expect people not to change. And those who have changed, they usually almost always retain a little bit of their past...which is what brought you guys togethers in the first place. So, cherish it and let life go on! :)

Nice guys...

2005-08-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

I am a nice guy...

errr...ok...so, who are you again? A nice guy...WHAT!
In the english language, the adjective nice is something which i have learnt to unassociate with...its abstract...based on prejudices...depends on personal opinion...and most importantly, overused in all seasons.

Har har...a rather pessimistic view i can see...well, as a certified and bonafide "nice guy" i can tell you...its no big deal being nice. I can find a synonym for nice...common sense! Really...if someone is nice, he/she is being courteous and prim and proper with someone else which is common sense for approaching anyone with a neutral point of view...or the nonsense explanation is that the extra nice person is in love and is too conscious about putting a wrong foot forward...which only jeopardises ones chances at love because one doesnt expose ones true self until its too late. So, is there any point of continuing being nice with friends who you hold close to your heart?

If being nice is being yourself, i am not saying you should not be nice. But getting too nice...or not being nice anymore...with a stranger or anyone else...ah...something must be wrong then! Its upto ones own interpretations on what that means. What i am saying is this...one should be able to do and talk stuff without thinking much with ones friends...and one should have a good time even if its a heated arguement!! That sorta reminds me that, people who are excessively nice think a lot...they really do...to avoid any potholes and bumps along the road...and that sorta stresses them out most of the time. One more thing to add in the cons of being nice...

Some wise guy said "Nice guys finish last!" ... And the evidence is all around you. Just look around...and you will see. Being nice is not so appealing anymore. In my opinion, being honest, which i beleive is almost a superset of nice is a better option.

Inter religion marriages...

2005-07-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

As global citizens, should one still be concerned with things like nationality, caste, creed and religion for uniting two people for the love that they hold for eachother? i think not...

Apart from setting an example for the rest of the world, they can be role models...other educated people can learn from these rare but priceless couples. The very fact that they can remain together and be happy with just each others company is a sign of true love. I have seen quite a coupla couples like that...and i couldnt help admiring them. Their courage...their feeling...their love.

As international boundaries become nothing but lines on a map, why should love be held within such boundaries? Of course, a little consideration can be given to the usual set of conditions to satisfy...like parents, society bla bla...but only just. I might sound very prejudiced here...but no, after much pondering and thought and consulting, its quite obvious that good parents will be happy when their kids are truly happy. Think about this...

Some, who teeter at the brink of following that path back off at the last moment...why? They usually get afraid...of the apparent difficulties. What few realise is that when the rewards are great, the risk involved is greater...the hard work that one puts in will be rewarded appropriately. Our school exams for example... What i am trying to say is this...people need to be bold to do this...and its a reflection of someones character when he/she takes that step. So, its vital that someone takes that step...that someone is a very rare person indeed...and he/she deserves an equally rare person. Its all about sacrifices in such a relationship...and one doesnt require to reflect upon religion and nationality to understand that...just love.

Of course, if one fails at the attempt, my guess is...the fall will be harder than normal. But one can take to heart that one was brave enough...that only few people ever dream and have the guts of doing such a thing...it makes the mind wonder at the possibilities...so, what the hell...take that chance. You have gained already.

Before the big bang...???

2005-07-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe the question should read...Was there a big bang?

Since thats currently the most crazy theory, we shall assume that did happen. So what before that? God was just lazing about watching TV? there was nothing? oh no...there must have been something for all this to happen...but was there?

A question that leaves me pondering my very existence...wonderful to think about. If i start guessing, i wont stop...let me try to think and hypothesise on the spot...hmmm...

Entropy...the eternally accumilating chaos...maybe that was attempted to be contained by some natural way...but somehow the pressure of containing if became too much and thus started the universe with the big bang. From then on, whatever happened...the formation of galaxies, stars, planets, life, evolution, thought, blogging...its all leading towards further chaos i think...

Thats probably why i dont beleive the universe would just fade away...if it does, who will cause the chaos? So, what if it all starts reversing...because there cant be any bigger chaos than life eh? So, why not start it all over again? So, if that happens, will i be untyping this blog and unthinking my thoughts? And will you be unreading this blog and be losing...no, ungaining your knowledge?

Makes sense does it? If it does, machan, super da!!! I shall unsee you in another 100 billion years...till then, tschuss! ;)

Following your dream...

2005-07-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

Not as tough a thing to do as you might imagine...

Would you rather live a life of regrets not knowing whether you could have achieved what your dream is...Would you rather settle down at the bottom of the well in resignation when you can climb out into the light...Would you rather "play safe" than "play smart"...Would you rather prefer hope than eternal remorse?

I sound convincing don't I? Well...I was faced with these questions myself on quite a couple of occasions this year...I did some thinking on my own...did manage to think quite logically too...let me explain.

In the current world situation, the way the economy and all that is going, one can really eke out a comfortable living by merely doing what one wishes...if its a profession, cool...if its something like social service and charity, so be it...life with respect to material gain will be a little tougher then, but your satisfaction levels should theoretically be higher. Whatever it is, you can achieve what you want to...if you got the guts...if you are willing to think it through. The current economic conditons of the world supports you...

I am currently in such a crossroads of my life that I cant count the number of roads leading off...so many of them...I am in the middle of a BIG change...and yet, look at me...blogging away these personal things as if its nothing major. Actually, guess what....Its nothing major. Its merely normal...it should be too...

A certain Mr.Paulo Coelho made a quote that goes something like this
...
"When you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true"
...
Ah well, if you were thinking I am going to support it with all my heart, wrong.

I think that quote is bullshit. Its only upto you my friend...to do what you want to do...forget about the universe. Its easy to attribute your failure to the universe... but have you ever attributed your successes to the universe? to fate...to destiny?? Most of us are selfish...we like to brag and blow our trumpet about our achievements...you know what, exactly. You have the right to do that because the achievements are yours. God and the universe did not help you...beleive me. But what you have to realise is...when you fail...yes, you will sometimes...Its again you. Grow up to accept that. Don't be afraid to accept that.

If you have, you are quite a remarkable person...not many do that. How many times have you prayed to god just before the exam to pass you through the test...and when you do, have you had the courtesy to thank god immediately. my guess is, many dont unless reminded by others...your parents maybe...

Anyways, I am thankful to my parents and my friends for being who I am and what I am. Not god...not the uiverse.

I sorta deviated from the thought that started this train of subsequent thoughts...
I guess by now, you must have realised what I am saying here..Its you who writes your own destiny. So, do it my friend and follow your dream. Let nothing stop you...most of all silly quotes by bald men, god and the universe.

Oh and by the way, i still have not read any of Ayn Rand.
Peace...

Etymology...

2005-07-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

Precisely my state of being and thought for most of my thinking life...and almost always precisely my reaction as well... :)

Indian culture intoxicated...for teetotallers.

2005-07-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

What??? you boozed...!!!??!! Go brush your teeth...where the hell are the chewing gum? wash your face you dumbo...someone might see it instead of smelling it...go go go...on the double! hup two three MARCH!

Thats some of the typical reactions one gets after a booze episode in India. Why is it so? Of course, orgies are different altogether...but a simple and dignified drink followed by a deep discussion with friends could also evoke similar responses even from the lesser of the initiated...hehe, look at me...talking as if i am an expert... :) hope you got my point.

Please dont get me wrong here...i am not for crazy limitless merry making under the influence of alcohol. I am merely a supporter of the effects alcohol can have when taken in limited quantities and with the people who matter. Anyways, why is drinking such a taboo here? Smoking i can understand should lead to concern because one manages to spoil ones own health as well as the other innocent non-smokers around. Drinking alcohol is more humane...and in limited quantities, it can be quite cool.

Upon some analysis, some things came to light...if you are aware of the fact that drinking alcohol leads of quick dehydration, it makes sense for people in hot climates not to drink. Thats why historically, people in the Arab states did not drink...i dont think they even had any local liquor/toddi/arrack or anything...if they did, it was very limited in availability and popularity. Guess one can apply similar logic and arrive at a scientific conclusion why thats the case in India which i suppose is predominantly a hot country for most of the year.
But no, i think the major reason that some people drink might have been the intermixing of cultures...
If you look at present day USA, can anyone attribute an unique culture to it? tough job for sure...well, India was the most popular country at the start of the previous millenium...and it did manage to attract its share of greedy pigs who wanted to loot the country out of its natural wealth...of course, i am not indirectly referring this happening to USA now...thats an entirely different story...as i was saying, people from all over kept coming in and spreading their influence...India was a major sea trade country...part of major terrestrial trade routes...so, what we now term as "Indian Culture" is really not the quintessential indian culture...maybe the southern states were less affected than others...but you see what i am getting at here...what used to be the culture of India got mixed and cleaved with other culture...it kept happening constantly for some time.

Ok, enough diversion from the topic...as i was saying, boozing is taboo in many places.
Some points to ponder with the current background that we have...

....
Indians are an educated lot now...the importance people give to education is paramount. So, how tough is it for the educated mind to understand that boozing is really not such a bad thing afterall? Amazingly, its the educated lot of yesteryear (the so called brahmins) who brought forward some of the current taboos...eating animals, boozing, sex...abacharam abacharam!!!!
....
India produced the kamasutra...such an advanced and divine work for its time...so, what the hell was the problem with boozing??? if sex was ok, then boozing also should have been...the orgasm might have been higher and deeper when a little intoxicated. I have not read the kamasutra myself...but if there is no mention of boozing before sex or something similar there, then it probably got censored on its way through the ages...
....
Currently India is growing like i dont know what...people are getting educated quicker than the govt can keep up...people are aksing questions...cities are growing faster than the infrastructure...damn...i dont know where all this is going...but, i am sure there will be a phase...maybe we are there already...where one generation will be totally hippy and outgoing while their parents will be dawdling with religious conventions and silly superstitions. Are we there yet?
....

Anyways, i just have one piece of advise...when you decide to socially drink (yes you will...eventually), please do it with "Comfortably Numb" of Pink Floyd running in the background...

Democrazy...

2005-07-01T02:13:00.000-07:00

Democracy...the most socially friendly system of governance, the most people friendly, the one that makes most sense for everyone, the most fair, where one is rewarded for his/her abilities...by the people, for the people.

There is one small thing that the propagators of this system forgot to include in their calculations...My guess is most of them are similar to me, they must have been Idealists...Dreamers...I thank them for such a cool contribution to society...if i am here blogging away my thoughts without fear of censorship or being burned at the stake or the guillotine hanging over my head, its thanks to them and the history behind them.

But as i way saying...there is one small thing that they forgot to consider...that other people are not like them. Only when someone is socially responsible and has the guts to change him/herself and are content with their own lack of corruption and guile will the system of democracy work. For this, the seeds should have been sown at the very early stage...58 years of independence in India...and it seems to me and to lot like me that the seeds were washed away in a flood of greed and angst. Social pressure they say...i say bull shit! Start thinking man...

Please do read my previous post called "Viagra for the country" for some related thoughts...

Sigh...optimism takes over eventually in the hopeful...and i guess its only a matter of time until education and the lessons learnt from the generations before will lead to a truly good life for everyone human. By good, i mean not everyone having a house and a car and a lawn to mow with a contented smile each sunday with the dog frolicking about...no...i am talking about the purity of the soul and the inherent shunning of the negative elements defined by Webster. We sould save so much space and memory and paper and trees cut down for it when those words are erased from Websters... :)

But until then...democrazy.

Viagra for the country...

2005-06-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

Confused??? As you read on, you will see that the subject is an instance of extremely wishful thinking...but not the way you think...read on.

Tell me this...is any quality leaning towards "good" instilled by external factors or realized by the subconscious?? For example something as simple as being conscious enough to not litter the streets. All those who said external factors, please do think again...like one famous Mr.Morpheus told a certain Mr.Neo, "I can only show you the door, its you who will have to walk through it.." Sorta sums up the state of events with respect to the Value system in our society.

Of course, the uneducated, the orphans, the ones born on the streets to nameless parents - are more prone to becoming the bad elements of the society because of lack of proper guidance etc...even this point is arguable. My contention here is this...they were not shown the door...but what about us? You would have had enough instances where you could have glimpsed at the door...a fleeting glimpse maybe...but a glimpse indeed...some might have even stared it down, smelled the wood, appreciated the polishing, admired the art work on the frame, within reach of the door knob...but...sigh, there is always a but...why many refuse to walk through it? laziness...inertia...whatever...excuses...excuses...

People are inherently blessed or cursed with this irritating habit of poking their nose into other peoples business...i guess that's what makes them human.
The other day i was at a mall...i was strolling by on the second floor taking in the pretty sights...then to my left and for quite a distance, a crowd gathered and thronged crazy. It was so bad that i could not make out why the crowd was. I worked my way down to the first level...i was on my way out anyway...still impenetrable...the ground floor...and some breathing space.
Guess what...it was movie shooting...some random female imported from some north indian state in all probability was picturised walking into one of the shops!!! i head myself say out loud "Shit...what tha...stupid people!!" and of course, as expected i got some knowing quizzical condescending glances from the seasoned bystander...Absolute corruption of the preferences of the masses...the masses are after some illusion of the ideal world...pitiable. of course, this is my opinion...

One more example...this one condemnable.
A guy fainted on the streets and is just lying there motionless...a good crowd of some 30 gather...and stare at him...comment about him...a brave one decides to poke him in one of his limbs...viola, life indeed...he wasn't dead...that was good news. so, what did they do now...continue staring at the poor dude...of course, i was observing all this from my office space a good 7 floors above the commotion...i was struck by behavior of the people...the lack of interest in the wellbeing of the fellow human being. Some eventually picked him up and deposited the guy on the sidewalk where he continued being comatose...Of course, i could not help the person myself then because of reasons i wish not to mention in a blog. But what about those 30 odd people who had enough time to waste it by just standing there and commenting on the guy on the ground...??

This state of the value system in the common man is what i am worried about...the common man against all popular conceptions (that the govt is incharge of running the country) is the god, saviour, protector and viagra for a country. Very few takes responsibility for ones own actions...
I tell my roommate not to throw the chocolate wrapper on the streets...and the conversation goes like this...

Me: Hey...please don't throw that somewhere...look for a dustbin.
Him: Why da? I don't want to hold on to it...
Me: Agreed that's it a little irksome to hold on to something like a wrapper...but why litter the streets da?
Him: So, what...someone will be along to clean it up soon...
Me: I dunno about that...you see the govt cant be at all places at once...besides they ar..
Him: Whatever...i don't care...the streets are not my house!

And you should look at his room ladies and gents...typical of any bachelor i would say...worse than the streets...dust filled...wet at times...a haven for a spider colony...someone can fall sick sleeping there...infact he did. and this person, an college educated person, someone who supposedly grew up learning to think on his own, acting like this...damn, my blood boils.

But what to do...we are human eh!?! Balls to being human then...i request everyone to become something better and higher then. if god is the only thing you can think of, be a god. Gods don't need viagra...but our country does. Amen.

The Five Books which are not a waste of paper...

2005-06-16T03:42:00.000-07:00

One of my buds Ranga wanted me to give a list of 5 books which have affected me a lot...well...a tall order...i havent really thought about which books have affected me to the extent of me following what they preach...but i do know a certain set of books which have influenced me. not affected but influenced. by influence, it not only refers to how often i use titbits from those books in my daily speech and writing but also to those books which moved me emotionally or made me laugh out loud or made me doubt myself.

Anyways, here goes nothing...

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
Ditch introduced me to this one and many other books...damn, am i grateful to him for that! Anyways, since this has been made into a movie now, i guess many might have atleast heard about this now...beleive me, any movie made of this book in any age before the advent and dominance of computer graphics would have done the book an injustice. Of course, the movie still sucks when compared to the book...it has to.
This one is humourous science fiction at its best. Douglas Adams's mind is as zany and sublty crazy as one can get. Brilliant the way the story is told and new phenomena (sometimes even defying the known laws of physics) introduced...the one book which i have recommended the maximum.

The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkein
Again thanks to Ditch for this...i guess this one needs no introduction now. Again, made into a series of cool movies. And again...the movies were a very very serious attempt at representing the book in celluloid. Well tried...but the book still reigns supreme.
This book does not contain text...but sheer poetry. Tolkein is a genius at creation. He even went to the extent of creating a script for the elvish tongue spoken by the elves in the saga. Brilliant and very very endearing book. But this one is not too humourous though...pretty dark and brooding in patches with joy and happiness reigning in others. The eternal battle between Good and Evil elevated to the beautiful...

Roots by Alex Haley
My own find...based on obscure pieces of muttering and mumblings by my mom and some of her friends. This was made into a very successful TV series when my parents were adolescents. Moving and emotional book. The fact that its based on a true story enhances its effect. Clean and simple words...concentrating on the emotions on display. It must have created quite a stir at its time because of its gruesome yet allgedly true potrayal of how african americans (well, africans at the time the book starts) were dealt with by their invaders and eventual masters. A must read for all who are in need of some inspiration, some emotion, some heart moving sentiment and for those who look back into the past with wonder.

Zen and the art of Motorcycle maintainence by Robert Pirsig
Well...i list this book here because in all my life of reading books, this is the one book which i couldnt finish. I am not that heavy a reader...i prefer reading to free the mind rather than burden it. But i list this book here because of exactly that reason...weel, not quite. The author's arguements about "Quality" made me think...and think i did page by page...para by para. But at the time, i was busy with the job and couldnt exactly devote the time and the mind for reading the book. Any other book might have been consumed quickly. But not this one...i couldnt do justice to the authors thoughts by devoting "quality" time to this. Till that point, i considered myself a voacious reader...finishing books in days sometimes even in hours...but this one took more than a month...and i still was not done with it. Finally, i did not give up but put it on hold...its still on hold.
I suggest this to anyone who prefers reading which makes them think. Great book. I will finish it one day...

Asterix and Cleopatra by Goscinny and Uderzo
That must have caught you by surprise...cmon, it should have!! Ok, this is not a book...but something which one can definitely read. I love the entire asterix series...simply simply love it. But this particular comic is the most creative i feel...it dealt with events which were actually important in history. Must have read this a million times...infact the authors (or the publishers...whatever) felt so proud after the creation of this masterpiece that one can see them gloating on the cover about how many pens, how many pots of ink bla bla..it took to create the book. Am sure it must have taken months to perfect Cleopatra's nose which btw finds special mention and status in the comic...i apologise to the purists...by toutatis, please forgive this kid at heart!

Phew...beleive it or not, i had a tough time coming up with this list...cos i just live for the moment...not much of a past guy except when it comes to friends and relationships. So you can imagine how tough it was to search my past experiences...could have certainly found use for a pensieve by bellisama!

-------------------------------

2005-06-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

Does your mind go blank?

For instance, when you are travelling in a bus...window seat...when you are looking out of the window...what do you see? do you see specific things? like...the pizza delivery guy driving his bajaj scooter like hell has been set loose, do you see the slum dwelling kid having a whale of a time playing with a piece of the newspaper...? well...of course, we see things...but do you all the time?

Have there ever been a time when you would just see colors...shades...streaks of light...shadows...?? and when that happens, does your mind stay awake to notice what colour is it which you saw? when you close your eyes, does your mind signal to you the word "black"? does it?

Somehow for me, the mind takes a back seat most of the time when i am by myself...solitude brings about this surreal peace about me. i need my solitude to get along in life...i need my own space and time. to let the mind rest...to let the soul feel peace...to awaken from the ashes of daily routine. but you might ask, if your mind is totally at rest, how come you realised that very phenomenon? well...i lose track of time when this happens. many people have asked me how i tend to be calmer than most...well, i do have my moments of crazy psychomania....but then, more often than not, i will be the person not trying to jump the queue at the ticket counters...i will patiently wait in the car while the old lady in the TVS 50 stutters past...i prefer listening rather than talking...

In tamil, my mother tongue, there is a concept called "aanmeekam". i dont know how that translates in English. Its a state where a person is at peace with himself and has attained nirvana so to speak...purity in its purest form...its the ultimate aim for which ancient yogis used to endure pain and suffering in penance for many long years...now am i getting somewhere with all this..?? i was told that such a state where the mind detaches itself from the body is the first step in the path of aanmeekam. eerie...

Do you dream when you sleep? I have reason to beleive that i dont...atleast i dont remember any of them except this one dream...a nightmare really...of falling from a great height...i am digressing...anyways, my point is, my mind goes blank too often...infact so often that i am blogging about it now...is this good? i dont know...One more thing which comes to mind is...i am agnostic. so, where does all this figure in the topic under discussion? is it required to beleive in god and have faith in religion to attain aanmeekam? i hope not...and i dont think it should be.

My advise to you is...next time you are alone and have nothing particularly important to do, try thinking about nothing...no thats not right...try not to think about anything... :) ...but when you actually "try" it, its impossible not to avoind thinking about not thinking. sigh...hope you understood my emotion here...

Oh and for the record, the title of this blog entry is left blank...

Definition of Music...

2005-05-24T05:42:00.000-07:00

Of all the emotions which human beings feel, elation and the feeling of flying high in the clouds is one which is very strong. Have you ever felt truly happy and free when you do something? I have...for me its listening to the masters of the strings weave their magic into wonderfully heavenly pieces of a phenomenon that we call music.

Mummies in fashion...my opinion...i think...

2005-05-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

Is it really required to form opinions on stuff?
Cant we just get along with removing our thoughts about things that dont exactly concern us...?? errr...ok, then you might ask whats the difference between you and one of those undead egyptian mummies protecting the tomb of amun-ra?
Well...we are certainly more fashionable...the torn plaster look is so BC! eugh...
But seriously, if you form an opinion of this, where does that place you? 2 choices...
1) No sir, i dont wanna form opinions and lead a "come as it may" life...well my friend, you just blew it by forming an opinion...
2) Hmmm...ok...i will have strong opinions on anything related from world peace to my toilet paper...well my friend, welcome to stressomania!

Sigh...those mummies are much better off...who knows the way things are going, they might just get fashionable again...

Of the future generations...

2005-05-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

During our parents's time, the in thing was banking, govt jobs etc...during our time its electronics, software etc...just imagine what our kids will be doing...genetics? quantum computing? bla bla..yadda yadda...whatever...

My guess is...atleast in urban india...parents will be very forthcoming and will encourage their kids to do whatever stuff they like...so, we might just see a new revolution in art, theatre, entrapreneurship...it might just be the most exciting time ever...but then, the now familiar record breaking phenomenon or rather ex-revolution looms dark over the horizon...population and peer pressure! it boggles my mind to think of the pressure the future generations might be facing to excel...to perform...they would need steriods for the mind atleast...poor things.
Thats where good parenting comes in...if the kids are just encouraged to follow their dreams everything might just be ok...makes me wonder...

Flying in a Blue Dream...May 17th Bangalore!

2005-05-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

Who else but Joe Satriani!

Magic is one word which came to mind...the speed...the skill...the inextinguisable energy of the man...he just kept going on and on and on...he sipped some water just twice...and thats the maximum break he took. Amazing...one cant help but admire him for his sheer dedication and enthu! :)
He thrived on the crowd...and the crowd thrived on him...it was a mutually beneficial relationship. :) whenever he went pretty high with his notes he let go of the guitar for a moment and egged the crowd on...the left, the right, the center...totally inspired crowdmanship! :) And unlike other concerts, it was all him...and only him...there was a bassist, a rhythm guitarist and of course the drummer...but satriani could have still done it all solo without any accompaniments! Infact, he did play a solo...
He sang twice...and spoke a lot...he mentioned about how cool this country is and how he would love to come back again... :) He was smiling much and one could see that he was enjoying every bit of it.
The crowd surprised some pros like Vijay (the biggest fan of joe sat)...with their knowledge and subsequent enthu...of course, the crowd had to be "niche". It was quite obvious when we entered palace grounds that this was no ordinarycrowd... :) Everyone had a good time except probably Brahma...who got majorly boo'ed of the stage with the sounds screwups...poor dudes were bad losers as well...they just played 4 of their own songs and stalkedoff...atleast they could have played some metallica to pacify the crowd...but no! Who cares about them anyway...when the legend walked on the stage, the electricity was amazing...applause resounding...most of the junta shouted their throat hoarse. and amazingly, many could follow him note by note throught the 3 hours he played...not easy folks!
The money was worth it! :)

Unfortunately the 1000 and 500 guys would have got screwed...cos the big screens were put up only midway through the concert...too bad. The organisers decided to have a kit-kat and take a break...the idiots. It was not professional at all! haphazard....untimely....techinically random...and not a pleasant experience for the crowd. i hope they treated Joe better...cos we would wanna see him again, dont we? ;)

Anyways, inspite of all this, Joe was a huge success.
Cos it was Joe Satch...and thats his name!

Of Love...

2005-05-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

What is love? Is it a feeling? Is it a state of mind?
Is it the heart that dominates? Or does the mind take over?

Complicated stuff eh...depends on each individual as well...

But one thing that I have observed in my time is that girls tend to let the mind get involved...guys are more foolish...heart and all heart. of course, am not stating this in an absolute fashion...just a mere observation...i maybe wrong here.

According to me, it should be a bit of both the heart and the mind...after the initial fizz dies down, its the person within who matters...then the heart will just be merely content with involuntarily pumping blood and thus performing its inevitable duty...traitor!

The mind is screwed out of its peace and quiet that way...poor thing...it has to rationalize every wrong turn, stupid decision and doofus screw-up that one might have had the bad luck to stumble upon...not so different in love. Better get the grey matter involved to some extent in the decision making...cos its better not to hear someone say "seeeee....I TOLD you that it wont workout!!"

Love is finally a state of mind which might make or break ones life...sometimes it is very inviting to sit this one out...but damn those hormones!

...sigh...

Random Thought...

2005-05-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt confounded when everything falls in place after total mayhem...just when you thought things cant get any worse, your life falls victim to serendipity and ends up in this amazing place...of possibilities...of hope...of gloriously randomly glorious uncertainities...it tickles!! :)
maybe its all in the mind...and yet...maybe not...

What you can expect...

2005-05-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

Well...lemme make it perfectly clear that whatever goes into this blog will be right off the top of my mind...i might not even review what i typed, so please do excuse me for any typos and all that jazz...
i will specifically concentrate on nothing in particular...if my mood is just right, i might write about some obscure philosophy that i might have read...or if my mood takes a left turn at timbuktoo, i might type something like what you are reading now (totally useless recursive information leading to nothing or no one...maybe a cracked keyboard or two...)

douglas adams should have blogged...since he didnt, lemme try to make up for it shall i? ;)

To blog or not to blog...

2005-05-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

that is no more the question and thus begins my blogging journey...
i dont know why i took so long...well...laziness does come to mind...and also a strangling absence of the internet for more than a year (yes folks...i know...i got a lot of those open mouthed disbeleiving stares for quite some time now...)

aaaanywayyy....here i am now...lets see how the saga unfolds...but first, a cup of tea.
excuse me people while i refresh my batteries...